Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Darkest Day

I'm not sure that I will keep this post up longer than today. 
It might be too much information for some readers. 

But today is an important anniversary in my life.  Today, July 27, 2010 marks the 9 year anniversary of me being a survivor. Yes, I recognize that there are many uses of the word 'survivor'. For many of us in the military blogging world, surviving an attack from the enemy is considered being a survivor.  For me, it's a similar kind, but the attack was not by bullets, not by RPGs, not by IEDs. 

I was trespassed against by a new friend, somebody I had come to trust.  Alcohol in my bloodstream didn't make it right. My body was violated and taken advantage of. Every year on my anniversary of this horrible memory, I make myself relive it. It's my "tradition" to remember how it felt, how the torture felt, how his suffocating hands felt, how the tears felt.  Even after 9 years I'm shaking. But I've come a long way.

Today, I decided to write this because it's important to me.  Being a survivor isn't a secret.  It's a part of me and about two years ago, I had a moment where I realized that I was liberated from feeling like a victim.  I had become a survivor.  I will tell my story when it's necessary to help others pull themselves out of the misery.  To walk into the sunshine.

This is why Comprehensive Sexual Education (which is based on abstinence education) that promotes accurate medical knowledge, and awareness of sexual assault, abuse and healthy relationships is important to me.  I keep fighting because it's important to me that a girl not have to face her darkest day before she's an adult with the ability to handle it. Not that anybody can handle that kind of misery.

When I went through this, I had no body to talk to. I was ashamed, I felt dirty, I felt used.  When I finally went to college did I feel understood, my story legitimized.  The thing that made me feel accepted was my mentor who listened. That in my way, I could talk through my memory.  Knowing that I had somebody who understood made the difference.

But this blog isn't about dark days, really.  It's about how today, I'm CELEBRATING that I've survived, not only that night but 9 years of my emotions.  I am a survivor. 

If you're a survivor and need help, reach out.  We are here for you.


  1. My eleventh years was in April. The 28th. Not a year goes by that I do not wonder about how my life would be different had it not happened. Thank you for posting this and sharing.

  2. Yes you are a survior!!!! Seriously, you should be so proud of yourself for being able to talk about this, and to help others who have been through the same thing. It takes a very strong person to do that, and you my friend are just that! I am so very proud of you!

  3. You are a very strong woman for being about to post about this. This year will make 11 for me. Thanks for reaching out to help others whole have been through the same thing.

  4. Go you! I've never been through this so I can't say a thing, but I can say thank you for helping others, it takes a strong person to go through anything like that and come out on the other side stronger.

  5. You are an amazing woman! Thank you for sharing your story it, and shedding light on this sweeping problem. I was assaulted 3 years ago and only told one friend. We both didn't know what to do. She had gone through a similar, yet worse, situation for all the early years of her life and there was nothing we could do to help each other because we didn't have the knowledge to do so. Thank you for joining the fight so girls do not have to go about this alone.

    You are strong and wise beyond your years, and by you sharing your story it helps girls and women see that light can be shed on their darkest day.


  6. Thank you for sharing! I think you should leave this up... others can learn from you and be able to ask questions.

  7. Thank you so much for sharing and I am so sorry you had to go through something like that!! :( All I can say is that I see that it has made you a stronger and braver woman!! :)

  8. Thank you for your loving comment Reina. It truely means a lot <3

  9. how heartbreaking, yet amazing is it that we can all come together as women and relive these horrible times? it makes my stomach flip seeing the dates everyone (and you yourself reina) have posted as anniversaries. what an absolutely beautiful soul you have.

  10. Reina I wanted to give you the biggest hug when I first read this yesterday. I can't imagine your bravery in writing this and sharing it with everyone. I have tried countless times to write about my own personal sexual assault and still I have deleted it as many times as I have written it. I feel violated even sharing it. Even six years later I still feel like part of it is my fault, even though reasonably I know it isn't.

    ANYWAY, Thank you for being so brave. I love you woman!

  11. This post makes me happy and sad. Happy that you have overcome what you did and that you can put your word out there as inspiration for others, but sad that it had to happen to you and other women out there. Keep your head up for the next nine years and show what every survivor should do.

  12. You're right, alcohol in your blood stream definitely doesn't make it okay. That disgusts me for you and I'm glad to hear you've come to feel liberated my the fact that you've survived!

  13. this Christmas will make year 4 for me.

    Very tough topic, but once you've been there you understand.

    That trial has been a huge testimony for me to share with other girls.

    Thanks for this, I've never thought of me being a "survivor" because of it.

  14. I love you, always.

    Semper Yours.

  15. Thanks for sharing your story, Reina. You are an amazingly strong woman and I am so happy, proud to know you. Keep on being a bad ass!


Your comments bring me sunshine! Thank you. :D

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