Tuesday, July 27, 2010
It might be too much information for some readers.
But today is an important anniversary in my life. Today, July 27, 2010 marks the 9 year anniversary of me being a survivor. Yes, I recognize that there are many uses of the word 'survivor'. For many of us in the military blogging world, surviving an attack from the enemy is considered being a survivor. For me, it's a similar kind, but the attack was not by bullets, not by RPGs, not by IEDs.
I was trespassed against by a new friend, somebody I had come to trust. Alcohol in my bloodstream didn't make it right. My body was violated and taken advantage of. Every year on my anniversary of this horrible memory, I make myself relive it. It's my "tradition" to remember how it felt, how the torture felt, how his suffocating hands felt, how the tears felt. Even after 9 years I'm shaking. But I've come a long way.
Today, I decided to write this because it's important to me. Being a survivor isn't a secret. It's a part of me and about two years ago, I had a moment where I realized that I was liberated from feeling like a victim. I had become a survivor. I will tell my story when it's necessary to help others pull themselves out of the misery. To walk into the sunshine.
This is why Comprehensive Sexual Education (which is based on abstinence education) that promotes accurate medical knowledge, and awareness of sexual assault, abuse and healthy relationships is important to me. I keep fighting because it's important to me that a girl not have to face her darkest day before she's an adult with the ability to handle it. Not that anybody can handle that kind of misery.
When I went through this, I had no body to talk to. I was ashamed, I felt dirty, I felt used. When I finally went to college did I feel understood, my story legitimized. The thing that made me feel accepted was my mentor who listened. That in my way, I could talk through my memory. Knowing that I had somebody who understood made the difference.
But this blog isn't about dark days, really. It's about how today, I'm CELEBRATING that I've survived, not only that night but 9 years of my emotions. I am a survivor.
If you're a survivor and need help, reach out. We are here for you.