Wednesday, July 27, 2011

SURVIVOR NOT VICTIM: I have come a long way. 10 years.

I told you about my journey last year...

10 years ago today, I became what I now think of as being a survivor.

10 years ago today, I was out of my element, out of my body.

10 years ago today, I shook violently, more angry than scared.

10 year ago today, I felt like a victim of chance.

I have come a long way since that day. I have thought of this 10 year bench mark for so many years now. I have thought of ways I could commemorate the feeling that I have now, which is dominance over my fear and my experience.

Let me tell you what I promised myself 10 years ago.

I promised myself that I would be married in 10 years.  I promised myself that I would be married on Saturday, September 10, 2011.  It's just an outrageous fantasy that one dreams of when they are 16, right? (hint: I'm getting married on 9/10/11)

It was the same year, 10 years ago, the horrible awful day, when our country was trespassed against and our Twin Towers fell. It felt like too personal of a loss.

I promised myself that I would be "better" by today. I am more than "better," folks.

There is so much healing and love that has gone into this process. I promise that if you are going through it, I am not gloating.  You can get here. There have been deep conversations not only with myself, but with God and with friends.  It has taken a commitment to myself and letting myself feel when I need to.  There is always help around you.  Don't feel alone. Don't feel afraid to ask for help. You will get through this. I'm not done with this journey, I'm not done with my healing.  But it does get better. Most of all, don't forget to love yourself, even when your body betrays you.

with love and compassion,
yours most truly,


  1. You are so stong!

    I love that you post about your experience. I'm not ball-sy enough to do that. Maybe one day, but not anytime soon!

    I went to counseling this year for my experience. First time ever I couldn't just push it aside and cover it up. I had to confront it, I was forced to shar my feelings. It was SO HARD. I realized that by not dealing with it, I had built a wall that I wouldn't even let my HUSBAND cross. I have SERIOUS trust issues from my experience and through my sessions I was able to realize SO much about myself the person I am now and how to deal with my past without it affecting my current life.

    It was tough, but I made it through my sessions! My husband was so proud of me and said that it meant alot to him that I was really talking about it. He knew what happened but I never liked discussing it in depth.

    I feel free again. I feel like I'm WORTH being loved. I feel like if I can overcome that, I can deal with so many other things without breakin a sweat! and I can see from your post that you know that about yourself too!!!!

    Congratulations on your special day! It is my moms birthday and I'm moving in to my new home that day so I will definitely remember! :D Can't wait to see PICTURES :D

  2. Happy Anniversary....I'm so glad you're in a better place now and able to celebrate the strong woman you've become after such a horrible experience! I hope one day you're able, if not already, to help other girls through similar experiences...they need people like you to tell them that they WILL get past that horror!

  3. Stay strong sweetie! Thanks for sharing such a brave story with us so we can continue this journey with you!


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