Thursday, March 25, 2010

Are you sure you want to marry HIM?

* It took me a ridiculous amount of time to write this. I don't expect the intended reader to ever see it but I needed to get it off my chest.  

Dear _____ (a person who I care so deeply about),

I don't expect you to understand.  You've seen me go through several relationships convinced that he could be "the one."  Rather, that was me trying to convince myself that somebody loved me enough to bestow that title unto me...

Well, I'm here. I'm in love, engaged and ready to start the next chapter in my life, with this man, my Marine.  You don't think it's glamorous or sexy. All you see is what you see from your television.  The men and women dying in our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.  I get it. I know that you don't understand that to me, he isn't just a Marine. To me, he is the man who loves me even when I am the grouchiest-grouch on the planet or when I've just woken up and my hair is standing in a million different directions.  He is the man who makes me laugh and tries hard to keep the foundation of our relationship strong.  I cherish that.

I know that being career military means that he will get deployed.  Yes, I'll have to sit through pre-deployment briefs where they will talk about wills and CACO (Casualty Assistance Call Officer, worst job ever... the person who goes to a house to tell them that their loved one has been killed) that I don't want to hear.  We'll have to say a temporary goodbye so he can go fight for his country. Yeah, it sucks. (tears)

But becoming a military spouse is an honor. I have learned about a world I had no prior knowledge.  I get to spread my love (and sometimes grumbles) about the military to my liberal friends who probably still have no understanding... I get to be a teammate of this crazy-awesome web of military spouses who share their stories and listen to yours when you need it most.

Nobody in their right mind would send their loved one out to war without hoping that he/she comes back, safe and sane. 

I don't want him to get deployed. But he will. That's something that I have to come to terms with. I have to learn to pray and pray well for him to come home.

But please, please don't ask me "are you sure you're choosing the right guy?" Or implying "shouldn't you just marry somebody safer? Maybe a investment banker or a lawyer or a teacher?" Because the man I fell in love with is a Marine. I'm not changing my mind. I'm planning on standing by his side until he decides he is done.

Believe what you will of what you hear from your news stations.  Maybe, if you listened to the actual hub-bub of military life, you'd understand it's not all scary. Maybe even you'd like it on the inside...

Love and pain,


  1. Good for you, I think I would have ended that letter with, "and if you ask me to chose your friendship or him, you will lose, because that is what I feel like you are asking."
    No job is "safe" anyone that walks out the door in the morning is at risk of something happening. The heart wants what the heart wants, and a true friend should rejoice at your happiness.

  2. Girl, this was almost the exact same letter I wrote to my mother before hubs and I got married. I come from a very liberal family, and my parents (and I) knew nothing about the military. When I started dating hubby they thought it would eventually go away... and when we got engaged they got concerned. My mom accidentally forwarded me an email she'd sent to her friend detailing why she was unsure about her soon-to-be son-in-law. I wrote her back and told her that I was disappointed in her. I told her exactly why I loved him and that yes, I was scared of what marrying a military man meant, but that it sure as hell wasn't going to stop me. She wrote back and said sorry and that my letter was really touching and that I should save it to show him someday. Now they love him! I still don't think they completely understand him, but they're trying. Anyway, sorry about the long ramble! Just want to let you know you're not alone. ((HUGS))

  3. Reina -

    I'm a liberal virtual friend and love hearing about your military loves and grumbles. Any time you need to vent or want to gloat I'm here. :)

    Hellcat - that is so awful, I can't imagine the sinking feeling you got when you read that. I once read a letter, on accident, from my ML to D that outlined the things she didn't like about me. Both you and D's responses were awesome, such strong people and it shows true love for your spouse when you prove you are a team in the face of diversity:)

  4. I am so lucky that my parents always wanted someone that would love and take care of me, and didn't care about their background or profession... but I totally see where your letter is coming from. One of the ladies here... her family disowned her after marrying her Marine, the saddest part... they don't even know they are about to be grandparents. I think everyone who has doubts and asks that tragic question should receive a letter like this!

  5. Thanks for all your support ladies. It's been a really sad and troubling time for me (and many in the military community)... After reading the story about Rachel and her Marine who was KIA. That story hit me hard. I spent much of this week weeping for this woman I hardly knew.

    Then this person just asks me if "this is the life I want to choose for myself." I wanted to scoff at the question but really, I had to try to answer honestly... So this is what I came up with.

    Thanks for listening to my rant ladies. Means the world to me.


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